The Twilight Shift

How to catch a pod pixie!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 10:44:00 +0000

Hooray! I finally did it! I caught a pod pixie! Most of you sceptics don't believe in pod pixies but I have finally proved they exist by catching one.

Pod Pixies are mysterious creatures that live in the pod network of the hospital. They fly up and down the pods, most of the time helping to carry the contents of the pods to their destination. They are generally happy creatures, laughing and smiling in their work.

Sometimes however, a pod pixie becomes thirsty. Tired of the work they do, they take a break. And on their break, they take a few blood samples from the pod containers and drink it to give themselves energy.

Whenever you send a blood sample to the labs via the pod system and the results arent back after a few hours and the lab denies all knowledge of recieving the sample, it is safe to assume the sample was taken by the pod pixie.

Now I have caught one and I will you how to do it!

1. Empty pod
2. A small weight
3. A blood sample with a high bilirubin level
4. A lot of patience!

Place a pod in the shoot along with a small weight at the bottom. Place the blood sample high in bilirubin within the pod. Wait for the rest of the night patiently, and when the pixie comes to pick up their beloved bilirubin - trap them!

But I felt sorry for my poor pixie that I trapped - and let it go back into the wild of the mystical maze that is the pod system!

theatre wonderland

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 14:55:00 +0000

Scrub nurse, are you listening,
On the table, the light is shining
A beautiful sight,
He's cutting tonight,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

Tucked away is the gasman,
Here to cut is the surgeon
He hopes nothing goes wrong,
As he goes along,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

In the theatre he removes the gallbladder,
Then pretends he hasnt cut the spleen,
Scrub nurse says: are you sure sir?
He'll say: Yes ma'am,
I can do the job
Just pretend you havent seen.

Later on, he'll conspire,
As his eyes begin to tire
To face unafraid,
The mistakes that his made,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

The patient bleeds, ain't it thrilling,
The BP drops, aint it chilling
He'll panic and pray, the surgical way,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

Merry Christmas all!!!!

I have a psychiatric dream

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 10:11:00 +0000

Dear doctors,

Let us not wallow in the valley of our despair. I say to you today my friends - even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream.

I have a dream that one day psychiatrists will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all doctors are created equal and that psychiatrists on call, must too, review patients."

I have a dream that one day in the mayhem of the emergency department, the clinically depressed, the alcoholics, the suicidal nutcases of Suburbia, and the former doctors, now officially trained in psychobabble, will sit down together at the table of brotherhood and discuss each others problems.

I have a dream that one day even on the wards, in the outpatients, in the community, a psychiatric referral can be made, without the sweltering heat of refusal and excuses, and it will be transformed into an oasis of pleasant exchanges and prompt patient reviews.

I have a dream that my four little crazy patients, will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their mania or stupor, but by the content of their delusions.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day down in Accident and Emergency, with its vicious psychotics, little paranoid patients and little schizoid patients will be able to join hands with little obtrusive on-call psychiatrists as sisters and brothers in harmony.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every A&E department shall be exalted, and every referral made simple, the suicidal patient sectioned, the psychotic patient sedated, and the glory of the psychiatrist shall be revealed and all other A&E staff shall see it together.

Janitor's Tea Party

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Wed, 22 Nov 2006 04:43:00 +0000

I recieved a random invitation in my pigeon hole the other day. Quite bizarre infact. It was a beautiful silver envelope, with gold engravings, my name neatly sketched on the front.

I never get any mail in my pigeon hole asides from random notices on parking fees and audit meetings, so it was a pleasant suprise to recieve something so shiny. I opened the envelope quite excitedly and inside I pulled out a strong white card with a teddybear on front. Inside there was invitation for a tea party, at 5pm the following day - in the janitors closet??!?!

I was so confused? Who had invited me to this tea party? And why? I did not even know the janitor and how could there possibly be a tea party in the closet? The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became.

So the following day, I promptly turned off my bleep at the end of the shift, and walked down to the closet. It was a dark little door, past the mail room, past the store room, past the technicians rooms - indeed it was the last door of a very dark and dusty corridor.

I hesitantly knocked on the door and waited, card in my hand. The door promptly opened, and the familiar face of the janitor popped his head through. He looked at me confused, and I stuttered. Eventually he saw the invitation and smiled, beckoned me in.

I entered the room and was astounded at what I saw. Despite only being a 5 foot by 5 foot closet, the room was stunning. Plastered on the walls was a peachy pink wallpaper with a delicate flower motif. A mini chandalier hung from the top, with candle shaped light bulbs shining brightly.

In the middle of the room, lay a fine oak table with four little wooden chairs on each side. Sitting in each chair was a different teddy bear, varying in colour, shape and size. And on the table, lay the finest tea set I have ever seen - a magnificent white and gold tea pot with matching tea cups.

I gasped - "where dya get all this stuff?" I stammered again - "Where the teddy bears come from?" - "Paediatrics" was the reply

"And the tea set?" - "The managers dining room"

"The cutlery?" - "Canteen"

And as I looked into the far corner of the room, I shouted "Hey, and where did you get all those stethoscopes!!!"

I rushed out of the room, looking frantically for the on call psychiatrist.

The Stethoscope Bandits

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 15:12:00 +0000

Argh! I lost my stethoscope again! I must lose it every week, without fail! I dont know, I just have the tendency to leave it lying around - at the bedside, at the nurses station, in the doctors mess. Am I losing them? Or is there a stethoscope bandit?

I dont think I am the only one with this problem. I see many stethoscopeless doctors - we lower our guard, and our precious sidekick is gone! It just takes a second, a momentary lapse of concentration!

We just forget all about the swinging friend around our neck - put it down without thinking, catheterise a patient (for example), get an urgent bleep, and then our good old faithful tubes are out of our mind - and never to be seen again! Gone forever!

Not to worry, somehow I have the impression one doctor's loss is another doctors gain. One missing stethoscope is soon to be one found stethoscope - with a new owner!! It is the circle of life for stethoscopes, they live on, just with a different ear making different diagnoses! A stethoscope bandit has picked yet another victim!

It doesnt matter what you do to protect your stethy! Buy a pink one! Wrap a thousand rubber bands around it! Etch your name into the bell! It doesnt matter - the bandit will have some evil ways of making it his/her own!

You will often hear ringing on the wards or corridors "Hey, is that my stethoscope?" - and in reply "Naa, I have had this for ages!" and a look of utter disgust in your direction - for which there is no answer!

So I am stethoscope-less. Not to worry, I am on the prowl for a second hand one! I will be lurking, in the theatre changing rooms, scouring the cubicles, or ready to pounce in the Drs mess. I have donned my uniform, I will join the ranks of the stethoscope bandit! Beware!!

Im no sho superman

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 02:55:00 +0000

Here I am, frantically pushing the notes trolley around the wards - finishing a post-take ward round, on my own.

30 patients admitted over night, a few critically ill, a few with nothing wrong and the rest with non-specific symptoms for which I dont have the time to investigate. The registrar is on study leave, my house officer off sick. The consultant has gone to start the out patient clinic early.

I start to sweat, I know the bleeps are coming soon...I wipe my brow, fill out another ultrasound request card, and rush to the next ward. Here I spend 15 minutes trying to find a nurse - only to find them in the nursing office - "having handover (with Quality Streets)". Im told to wait til their finished and scowled at.

I find the ward clerk, access the note trolley, and start again on my own. And then it comes,

BLEEP number 1.
---------------

Out patient nurse: "Hello, out patients"

Me: "Hi, its the Surgical SHO on call, you bleeped?"

Out patient nurse: "Yes Mr Mortimer wants you down here right away, the clinic is over booked and as you know theres no registrar. Mr Mortimer has to leave by 12, he has a private theatre list"

Me: "Ok ill be there as soon as I can"

Out patient nurse: "Ill tell him you'll be down in ten minutes" - puts phone down.

----------------

Ok, so I need to rush, back to the notes trolley. The next patient, is spiking a temperature, 2 days post op.

Me: "How you feeling today Mr. Jones?"

Patient: "I feel awful doctor, I have had severe pain in my tummy all last night".

Me: "Have you had any pain killers?"

Patient: "I asked the nurses, they said theyre busy"

Me: "Ok sir, ill get some organised for you (as palpating his rigid abdomen and diagnosing a probable anastamotic leak)".

Then I head off to find a nurse again, only for

BLEEP 2
--------

Me: "Hi, you bleeped"

AE SHO: "Hi mate, one of AE docs here, I have a 69 gentleman with some abdominal pain. He is slightly tachy and hypotensive, and I think I can feel a pulsatile mass. Im not sure whats going on, can you come take a look".

Me: "Kinda busy here, it sounds like it might be an AAA, is the patient round in RESUS"

AE SHO: "No, my reg said to refer it to you guys and you'll sort it out" - puts down phone.

As soon as that call went,

BLEEP 3
--------

Theatre staff: "Theatres"

Me: "SHO on call"

Theatre staff: "Mr Green needs you in theatre. He is performing an APER and needs another pair of hands to hold the retractor"

Me: "Im meant to be in clinic with mr Mortimer, can anyone else scrub in"

Theatre staff: "Mr Green says theatre takes priority, he expects you to be here".

I start to scratch my head, wishing I too had called off sick, as the next bleep flooded in:

BLEEP 4
---------

Me: "Yup"

House officer: "Hi its Trisha, the house officer on call, Im really sorry, I cant get a venflon in"

Me: "Dont worry, how many have you tried?"

House officer: "Just once, but confidence is so low now, and the patient is shouting at me".

Me: "Its cool, ill teach you a good technique later, whats the venflon for?"

House officer: "Oh, I think the patients bleeding, and their blood pressure is low"

Me: "OK, is there any other senior on the ward to see to the patient"

House officer: "Yes, but they said they were busy. I asked the anaesthatist who was doing a pre-op assessment on another patient to scannulate the patient but because im jsut a house officer, he said I need to speak to you first".

Me: "Ok, whats the patient's name"

House officer: "K Bryant, in bay 3, bed 4"

And yet another bleep:

BLEEP 5
--------

Nurse on other ward: "Ward 25"

Me: "Yup"

Nurse: "You didnt prescribe the loperamide we wanted for Mrs Turnbull"

Me: "She doesnt need loperamide"

Nurse: "I think she does otherwise she will need to be changed too often"

Me: "Nope, no loperamide"

Nurse: "Well who is going to do the TTO's for the patients you discharged, the bed manager wants the bed by 11am"

Me: "Tell the BED MANAGER to the damn TTO!" - as I slam the phone down and collapse to the ground!

A scary hospital story

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Sat, 21 Oct 2006 05:18:00 +0000

The visit of the grim reaper really shook me. It had haunted me for some time. I am always on the look out now, maybe he will come again, and maybe next time I can stop him.

I told a few of the older nurses on the ward my experience of the grim reaper, and they did not seem suprised. It was if they had seen it all before, a common occurence for them.

As we got talking, one nurse did tell me a frightening incident she once witnessed at her old hospital. 30 years ago, she worked as a nurse on the orthopaedic wards, up on the 7th floor of a large central London hospital.

It had been a normal night shift for them, the usual - seeing to the old confused ladies with their neck of femur fractures. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Around 3 am, they suddenly head screams - loud, shrieking, ear piercing screams, coming from the lifts at the end of the corridor. The screams were of at least two females, two distinct voices.

Her and a few of her colleagues ran to the lifts, but there was nothing. Noone was seen, nothing out of the ordinary. They sent one of the porters to investigate - and he travelled up and down the lifts, but did not find anything.

Anyhow, they soon forget about the incident and went back to tending for the old dears. About an hour later, the distinctive screams suddenly appeared again - from the same place, the lifts at the end of the corridor.

This time the nursing staff became more scared and called hospital security to investigate - but again, after a more extensive search, nothing abnormal was found.
Confused by the screams, the nurses tried to forget the incident and get back to work.

No further screams were heard that night, and the night shift went on uneventful. At the end of the shift, 7am in the morning, two nurses got their coats and bags, and headed off down the corridor.

And all of a sudden, the screams were heard again, the exact same screams they had heard twice that night before. They ran to the lifts, as they heard the lifts crash and plummet to the ground as the cable snapped - the two nurses were inside the lift, plunging to their death.

The screams earlier on that night they had heard, were their very own screams - in anticipation for the fate that awaited them in the morning.

Spooky huh?

Porter the Hedgehog

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:09:00 +0000

There is a local hero in our hospital. Nope, it is not the most popular consultant, or most knowledgable registrar. Not the anaesthetist, the general surgeon, or the ER resident. Not the super nurse, not the hospital manager, not the helicopter pilot.

This hero is someone far more useful, far more talented. His name is Sonic, and he is our hospital porter. Now most porters are lethargic, dopey, half asleep and confused. Sonic isnt! Sonic is quick, very quick. He thrashes round the hospital corridors at lightening speed. In a flash he is gone, and in a second flash he is back!

Sonic is an essential member of the emergency team. Whenever a trauma arrives in resus, or the cardiac arrest team is summoned, no one worries if the doctors do not arrive. But everyone worries if Sonic is not on duty - they know the team is severely weakened. Whispers of panic are in the air.

Whenever I see sonic in action, I am amazed. "Sonic, I need this urgent ABG sample taken to the labs and I need the results back" - and in a second, the ABG sample is out of my hand, a blur of blue disappears down the corridor, and it is back. "pCO2 of 10.1! Thanks Sonic, this was an emergency. Nurse, turn down that 100% Oxygen for goodness sake!"

I have seen Sonic carry blood from the blood bank and into resuscitation in 10 seconds flat. We are talking over a 100 metres distance. That was immense. I think I will start timing him and compare with other porters! Maybe I will set up a porter league table!

Ofcourse, Sonic has an enemy, a certain Dr. Robotnik - a devious doctor that is highly dangerous! - more on him later!

the visit of the grim reaper

noreply@blogger.com (Prof Scrub) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 19:44:00 +0000

I am really scared. I think I have seen the reaper. I am sure it was, I think... Could it be? Was he really here?

I was having another busy night, working hard as always, on the twilight shift - taking down an urgent blood sample to the path lab. I was heading down one of the main corridors within the hospital at a pretty rapid speed. I did not notice how cold it was, or how much darker it seemed to be this particular night.

It was only when a sudden gust of wind passed my nose did I notice it... a dark shadow, ghosting in the distance. I have never seen anything like it. It wore a long black coat and carried a long object, a stick with a shiny ending glinting back at me. I couldnt make it out, nor the face, it just seemed a blur.

Even though I was scared out of my wits, I decided to follow. I forgot all about my urgent blood tests - my heart was racing. I followed this shadow through two corridors, as silently as possible. It did not alter its path, it did not look backwards, just slowly went forward. It got colder and colder and my heart almost stopped as I saw the shadow dissapear into the cardiology ward.

I ran into the ward, swinging open the doors in a rush and in a panic. The nurses stared at me and thought I was crazy when I asked if they had seen a man wearing a long black cloak. I was out of breath and sweating. They said it had just been another normal night and visitors are not allowed on the ward after 10pm.

I left the ward looking like an idiot, and went on to deliver my urgent bloods to the path lab. Later that night, I bumped into the medical registrar - she looked tired. She said she had to run up to the cardiology ward three times that night, three patients had died following cardiac arrests. She has never seen so many patients die on one ward in one night. My face turned white when I heard that - Did I see the grim reaper enter the cardiology ward that very night?

precious one in the mess...

noreply@blogger.com (saqib) — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 20:38:00 +0000

There is a strange creature who has suddenly appeared in the doctors mess. No one seems to knows who or what it is but it is there every day, in the same chair everytime! It is a messy creature, its shirt is creased and wears no tie. It looks half asleep or half dead, I am not sure which - the only time it moves, is to lurch out for the tv remote control.

It is becoming a bad smell, a stale odour spreading through the air - many of my colleagues have resorted to leaving the windows wide open, others have stopped coming to the mess altogether!

I wonder how long he can sit there on his own! Does he do any work? He must be developing a pressure sore! There is a rumour that he claims to be a doctor, well he certainly helps himself to the free lunches.

I finally dared to ask him who he was, and the response after a few minutes of grunting was "I am the precious one, a public health doctor". Well certainly he is not good for the health of his fellow doctors stinking out the mess like he is!

I think I will call him Golum!

resident evil nurses

noreply@blogger.com (saqib) — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:24:00 +0000

The hospital at night can be a sinister place. There is often the foul stench of evil in the air. A brave doctor, working hard for his patients, is frequently attacked by Zombie nurses!

Now we all know, nurses can only be placed into two categories: Good OR Evil! The good nurse, angelic in looks, helpful, supportive and hard working! These nurses are rare, and often new to the hospital. It is strange but nearly all good nurses suddenly become evil nurses over night, and never return to their former selves. That sweet angel becomes dark and corrupt. I am not sure what happens, but some satanic force takes over.

The evil zombie nurse can turn you into stone with one look. With a click of her finger, your hospital world will turn into a blazing inferno and you will be in the depths of hospital hell. You will spend the entire night fighting to survive their onslaught.

There is usually one head evil nurse per ward, who controls her minions and followers. She has a magical power that attracts evil to her, and I believe she has the ability to turn good nurses into zombies. I have seen her shadowing good nurses, chanting spells and mantras, and I am sure she traps them on their own, and converts them with a bite to the neck. She is most effective as the clock strikes midnight.

Once a ward becomes full of Zombie nurses, they lurch around patients, groaning and making incomprehensible sounds. They drag their feet in a wicked limp and have arms stretched out ready to attack. They feast on patients wounds, grabbing and poking them, sucking out all the exudate from every granulatng wound, infecting the masses. It gives them energy, it is their life source.

Once a doctor is on the ward, they will all descend together. One or two will block the exit routes, and the others clamber forward, lurching, jerking and moaning. They will be waving blood stained papers and be carrying bowls full of vomitus and stools. If they manage to reach the doctor, they pin him/her down, and suck every last bit of energy they have. The doctor is left lifeless, cowering in the corner and crumbling for his/her life by the end of the ordeal.

I have developed a new tactic, which is to always carry a deterrant. No, garlic does not work, nor does a cross, and not even a steak through the heart (I was tempted to try it once!). The anwer, my fellow doctors and students, is chocolate.Carry an abundance, and when they come lurching forward, throw some out in the opposite direction. They will be distracted and go for the chocolates without thinking and then my friends, DASH OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

the doctor's sanctuary

noreply@blogger.com (saqib) — Thu, 17 Aug 2006 05:44:00 +0000

Dear readers, I think I am in the clear for now. Many thanks for all your emails concerned about my safety, I really appreciate it. Your support really helped me whilst I was getting the secret service of radiologists of my scent. I had to lie low for a while, I have been hiding mainly in the doctor's mess.

For those of you who don't know what the doctor's mess, it is like a little sanctuary for doctors, where there is peace and harmony. It is a different dimension within the hospital, a portal into a happier place, a portal to our childhood. Here we are untouched and protected, from a higher being. This is where our bleeps are ignored, and food is served, mashed up and easy to swallow.

Many doctors play like they were children. They babble, gaggle, goo goo and ga ga. There is a vending machine for dummies (pacifiers) and we can suck on these to our hearts content. There is a changing room where we can change our diapers, after a hard days work crapping ourselves infront of ill patients.

Here is a diaper of one of our junior doctors on their first day at work:

My favourite part of the mess is the sand pit. Here we dive in and play in sand, build sand castles with our buckets and space. Every good doctors mess should have a sand pit, and if you know one that doesn't, I would write to your union and demand your rights.

The doctors mess is simple and stress free. It is like a little heaven within the hospital, I will be hiding out here for a little while longer, hopefully by then the radiologists will have stopped hunting for me. Wish me luck and keep those emails coming!!

radiologists in black

noreply@blogger.com (saqib) — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 19:11:00 +0000

Ok folks, after that surgical bombshell, I am going to unleash another shocking explosion, this time something far more sinister, far more dangerous. I am putting my reputation on the line here but this is a government secret that needs to be exposed. I have spent a few weeks investigating it, and after I release this info, I may need to go into hiding. Here goes...

Radiologists are working for the secret services. If you think about it logically, it soon becomes clear. They have an in depth knowldge of machines, powerful machines, that no one else understands. They play with radiation, firing it at will, in all directions, yet they never seem to be harmed.

They hide in deep, dark corners of the hospital, lurking with intent. They move silently and swiftly, avoiding all eye contact at all cost. They are lonely creatures with much to hide. Any junior doctor who confronts them with any request is often ignored or stunned into submission. The poor doctor's request is destroyed with no evidence of its existence, one flash, and everything is forgotten. It is merciless.

They are almost always dressed in black, head to toe, beautifully camouflaged in their dark surroundings. They speak in code, babbling into a dictaphone in a langage noone else can understand. Indeed I have even witnessed some wearing shades in front of their lightbox, as if they are gazing through into another dimension.

One receptionist the other day handed me a note saying she was very scared. She witnessed one leave the hospital in an unidentified flying object...she has been missing from work for a few days now...

These radiologists are dangerous, something is not right, be wary students, be wary. I will be investigating these strange creatures further... wish me luck.

surgeons wear stockings under their scrubs!

noreply@blogger.com (saqib) — Sun, 30 Jul 2006 08:49:00 +0000

A shy young surgeon told me a shocking secret yesterday. As we were talking, he let it slip that most surgeons wear stockings under their scrubs! He denied he had said it at first but as I continued to question him, he eventually admitted it was true - not simple DVT preventing TED stockings but fancy, high quality, lacy silky stockings. I asked him why they did this but he did not seem to know. He said it has been going on for centuries and that it is rarely talked about, regarded as a taboo in most theatre coffee rooms. He then went quiet and slipped out of the hospital. I wonder if he is ok, he seems to be very shy about something...

I guess it makes sense really. Suspenders might give the surgeon a sense of calm and tranquility whilst working on the operating table. Surrounded by the mayhem of beeping machines, snoring anaesthetists and frantic scrub nurses, the surgeon can quietly gets on with his job, his mind relaxed with thoughts of the silky lace suspenders he is adorning. A simple rub of his leg, or rubbing the legs together, focuses his mind on the job at hand, and makes each one of his surgical hand movements perfect.

I sneaked into the theatre changing rooms to confirm this revelation and it is true! I saw the surgical registrar working the twilight shift slip into a pair of lacy green stockings. I took a peek into most of the surgical lockers and this practice seems to be a fetish! Stockings ranged from fishnets or with garters and suspenders. The most outrageous I witnessed was a set of white nylon stockings with a frilly bowtie piece at the top!

It appeared the older surgeons have the more extravagant underwear. Perhaps it is a pecking order of respect and rank, I dont know, I didnt stay long enough to find out! Anyway, I left the changing room pretty quickly, hopefully unnoticed.

I will keep an eye on these randy surgeons, and see what else they get upto. Certainly the prospect of wearing stockings under scrubs is exciting, and I may just treat myself, and buy on this website, which does cater for men. For all you budding surgeons, I suggest you check it out.

http://www.stockingsplease.co.uk/

My favourite at the moment are the ones shown above! mmmmm! How exciting! Maybe I'll wear a pair tomorrow...

the twilight shift...

noreply@blogger.com (saqib) — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 17:47:00 +0000

The hospital during the day is a hustling, bustling manic building of frantic activity and chaos. Doctors rushing, nurses fretting, porters pulling and pushing their goods around endless bright white corridors. It is a city within a building, with its own laws and own governing body.

And like all cities, it has a dark side, an underworld - hidden secrets and mysteries. As the sun sets and the twilight shift begins, the atmosphere changes. It becomes eerily quiet, the clatter of people are no longer heard, bodies no longer seen scurrying around, only shadows.

The lights are dimmed and the corridors become a labrinth of closed doors and darkened corners. Strange whispers are heard and mysterious acitivites occur. There are hidden secrets within each room of this city.

I am soon beginning my permanent night work in this new hospital. I am going to report back all the weird and wonderful things I come across during my time here on the twilight shift...