How to catch a pod pixie!!!

Hooray! I finally did it! I caught a pod pixie! Most of you sceptics don't believe in pod pixies but I have finally proved they exist by catching one.

Pod Pixies are mysterious creatures that live in the pod network of the hospital. They fly up and down the pods, most of the time helping to carry the contents of the pods to their destination. They are generally happy creatures, laughing and smiling in their work.

Sometimes however, a pod pixie becomes thirsty. Tired of the work they do, they take a break. And on their break, they take a few blood samples from the pod containers and drink it to give themselves energy.

Whenever you send a blood sample to the labs via the pod system and the results arent back after a few hours and the lab denies all knowledge of recieving the sample, it is safe to assume the sample was taken by the pod pixie.

Now I have caught one and I will you how to do it!

1. Empty pod
2. A small weight
3. A blood sample with a high bilirubin level
4. A lot of patience!

Place a pod in the shoot along with a small weight at the bottom. Place the blood sample high in bilirubin within the pod. Wait for the rest of the night patiently, and when the pixie comes to pick up their beloved bilirubin - trap them!

But I felt sorry for my poor pixie that I trapped - and let it go back into the wild of the mystical maze that is the pod system!

theatre wonderland

Scrub nurse, are you listening,
On the table, the light is shining
A beautiful sight,
He's cutting tonight,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

Tucked away is the gasman,
Here to cut is the surgeon
He hopes nothing goes wrong,
As he goes along,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

In the theatre he removes the gallbladder,
Then pretends he hasnt cut the spleen,
Scrub nurse says: are you sure sir?
He'll say: Yes ma'am,
I can do the job
Just pretend you havent seen.

Later on, he'll conspire,
As his eyes begin to tire
To face unafraid,
The mistakes that his made,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

The patient bleeds, ain't it thrilling,
The BP drops, aint it chilling
He'll panic and pray, the surgical way,
Operating in a theatre wonderland.

Merry Christmas all!!!!

I have a psychiatric dream

Dear doctors,

Let us not wallow in the valley of our despair. I say to you today my friends - even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream.

I have a dream that one day psychiatrists will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all doctors are created equal and that psychiatrists on call, must too, review patients."

I have a dream that one day in the mayhem of the emergency department, the clinically depressed, the alcoholics, the suicidal nutcases of Suburbia, and the former doctors, now officially trained in psychobabble, will sit down together at the table of brotherhood and discuss each others problems.

I have a dream that one day even on the wards, in the outpatients, in the community, a psychiatric referral can be made, without the sweltering heat of refusal and excuses, and it will be transformed into an oasis of pleasant exchanges and prompt patient reviews.

I have a dream that my four little crazy patients, will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by their mania or stupor, but by the content of their delusions.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day down in Accident and Emergency, with its vicious psychotics, little paranoid patients and little schizoid patients will be able to join hands with little obtrusive on-call psychiatrists as sisters and brothers in harmony.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every A&E department shall be exalted, and every referral made simple, the suicidal patient sectioned, the psychotic patient sedated, and the glory of the psychiatrist shall be revealed and all other A&E staff shall see it together.

Janitor's Tea Party

I recieved a random invitation in my pigeon hole the other day. Quite bizarre infact. It was a beautiful silver envelope, with gold engravings, my name neatly sketched on the front.

I never get any mail in my pigeon hole asides from random notices on parking fees and audit meetings, so it was a pleasant suprise to recieve something so shiny. I opened the envelope quite excitedly and inside I pulled out a strong white card with a teddybear on front. Inside there was invitation for a tea party, at 5pm the following day - in the janitors closet??!?!

I was so confused? Who had invited me to this tea party? And why? I did not even know the janitor and how could there possibly be a tea party in the closet? The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became.

So the following day, I promptly turned off my bleep at the end of the shift, and walked down to the closet. It was a dark little door, past the mail room, past the store room, past the technicians rooms - indeed it was the last door of a very dark and dusty corridor.

I hesitantly knocked on the door and waited, card in my hand. The door promptly opened, and the familiar face of the janitor popped his head through. He looked at me confused, and I stuttered. Eventually he saw the invitation and smiled, beckoned me in.

I entered the room and was astounded at what I saw. Despite only being a 5 foot by 5 foot closet, the room was stunning. Plastered on the walls was a peachy pink wallpaper with a delicate flower motif. A mini chandalier hung from the top, with candle shaped light bulbs shining brightly.

In the middle of the room, lay a fine oak table with four little wooden chairs on each side. Sitting in each chair was a different teddy bear, varying in colour, shape and size. And on the table, lay the finest tea set I have ever seen - a magnificent white and gold tea pot with matching tea cups.

I gasped - "where dya get all this stuff?" I stammered again - "Where the teddy bears come from?" - "Paediatrics" was the reply

"And the tea set?" - "The managers dining room"

"The cutlery?" - "Canteen"

And as I looked into the far corner of the room, I shouted "Hey, and where did you get all those stethoscopes!!!"

I rushed out of the room, looking frantically for the on call psychiatrist.

The Stethoscope Bandits

Argh! I lost my stethoscope again! I must lose it every week, without fail! I dont know, I just have the tendency to leave it lying around - at the bedside, at the nurses station, in the doctors mess. Am I losing them? Or is there a stethoscope bandit?

I dont think I am the only one with this problem. I see many stethoscopeless doctors - we lower our guard, and our precious sidekick is gone! It just takes a second, a momentary lapse of concentration!

We just forget all about the swinging friend around our neck - put it down without thinking, catheterise a patient (for example), get an urgent bleep, and then our good old faithful tubes are out of our mind - and never to be seen again! Gone forever!

Not to worry, somehow I have the impression one doctor's loss is another doctors gain. One missing stethoscope is soon to be one found stethoscope - with a new owner!! It is the circle of life for stethoscopes, they live on, just with a different ear making different diagnoses! A stethoscope bandit has picked yet another victim!

It doesnt matter what you do to protect your stethy! Buy a pink one! Wrap a thousand rubber bands around it! Etch your name into the bell! It doesnt matter - the bandit will have some evil ways of making it his/her own!

You will often hear ringing on the wards or corridors "Hey, is that my stethoscope?" - and in reply "Naa, I have had this for ages!" and a look of utter disgust in your direction - for which there is no answer!

So I am stethoscope-less. Not to worry, I am on the prowl for a second hand one! I will be lurking, in the theatre changing rooms, scouring the cubicles, or ready to pounce in the Drs mess. I have donned my uniform, I will join the ranks of the stethoscope bandit! Beware!!

Im no sho superman

Here I am, frantically pushing the notes trolley around the wards - finishing a post-take ward round, on my own.

30 patients admitted over night, a few critically ill, a few with nothing wrong and the rest with non-specific symptoms for which I dont have the time to investigate. The registrar is on study leave, my house officer off sick. The consultant has gone to start the out patient clinic early.

I start to sweat, I know the bleeps are coming soon...I wipe my brow, fill out another ultrasound request card, and rush to the next ward. Here I spend 15 minutes trying to find a nurse - only to find them in the nursing office - "having handover (with Quality Streets)". Im told to wait til their finished and scowled at.

I find the ward clerk, access the note trolley, and start again on my own. And then it comes,

BLEEP number 1.
---------------

Out patient nurse: "Hello, out patients"

Me: "Hi, its the Surgical SHO on call, you bleeped?"

Out patient nurse: "Yes Mr Mortimer wants you down here right away, the clinic is over booked and as you know theres no registrar. Mr Mortimer has to leave by 12, he has a private theatre list"

Me: "Ok ill be there as soon as I can"

Out patient nurse: "Ill tell him you'll be down in ten minutes" - puts phone down.

----------------

Ok, so I need to rush, back to the notes trolley. The next patient, is spiking a temperature, 2 days post op.

Me: "How you feeling today Mr. Jones?"

Patient: "I feel awful doctor, I have had severe pain in my tummy all last night".

Me: "Have you had any pain killers?"

Patient: "I asked the nurses, they said theyre busy"

Me: "Ok sir, ill get some organised for you (as palpating his rigid abdomen and diagnosing a probable anastamotic leak)".

Then I head off to find a nurse again, only for

BLEEP 2
--------

Me: "Hi, you bleeped"

AE SHO: "Hi mate, one of AE docs here, I have a 69 gentleman with some abdominal pain. He is slightly tachy and hypotensive, and I think I can feel a pulsatile mass. Im not sure whats going on, can you come take a look".

Me: "Kinda busy here, it sounds like it might be an AAA, is the patient round in RESUS"

AE SHO: "No, my reg said to refer it to you guys and you'll sort it out" - puts down phone.



As soon as that call went,

BLEEP 3
--------

Theatre staff: "Theatres"

Me: "SHO on call"

Theatre staff: "Mr Green needs you in theatre. He is performing an APER and needs another pair of hands to hold the retractor"

Me: "Im meant to be in clinic with mr Mortimer, can anyone else scrub in"

Theatre staff: "Mr Green says theatre takes priority, he expects you to be here".

I start to scratch my head, wishing I too had called off sick, as the next bleep flooded in:

BLEEP 4
---------


Me: "Yup"

House officer: "Hi its Trisha, the house officer on call, Im really sorry, I cant get a venflon in"

Me: "Dont worry, how many have you tried?"

House officer: "Just once, but confidence is so low now, and the patient is shouting at me".

Me: "Its cool, ill teach you a good technique later, whats the venflon for?"

House officer: "Oh, I think the patients bleeding, and their blood pressure is low"

Me: "OK, is there any other senior on the ward to see to the patient"

House officer: "Yes, but they said they were busy. I asked the anaesthatist who was doing a pre-op assessment on another patient to scannulate the patient but because im jsut a house officer, he said I need to speak to you first".

Me: "Ok, whats the patient's name"

House officer: "K Bryant, in bay 3, bed 4"


And yet another bleep:

BLEEP 5
--------

Nurse on other ward: "Ward 25"

Me: "Yup"

Nurse: "You didnt prescribe the loperamide we wanted for Mrs Turnbull"

Me: "She doesnt need loperamide"

Nurse: "I think she does otherwise she will need to be changed too often"

Me: "Nope, no loperamide"

Nurse: "Well who is going to do the TTO's for the patients you discharged, the bed manager wants the bed by 11am"

Me: "Tell the BED MANAGER to the damn TTO!" - as I slam the phone down and collapse to the ground!

A scary hospital story

The visit of the grim reaper really shook me. It had haunted me for some time. I am always on the look out now, maybe he will come again, and maybe next time I can stop him.

I told a few of the older nurses on the ward my experience of the grim reaper, and they did not seem suprised. It was if they had seen it all before, a common occurence for them.

As we got talking, one nurse did tell me a frightening incident she once witnessed at her old hospital. 30 years ago, she worked as a nurse on the orthopaedic wards, up on the 7th floor of a large central London hospital.

It had been a normal night shift for them, the usual - seeing to the old confused ladies with their neck of femur fractures. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Around 3 am, they suddenly head screams - loud, shrieking, ear piercing screams, coming from the lifts at the end of the corridor. The screams were of at least two females, two distinct voices.

Her and a few of her colleagues ran to the lifts, but there was nothing. Noone was seen, nothing out of the ordinary. They sent one of the porters to investigate - and he travelled up and down the lifts, but did not find anything.

Anyhow, they soon forget about the incident and went back to tending for the old dears. About an hour later, the distinctive screams suddenly appeared again - from the same place, the lifts at the end of the corridor.

This time the nursing staff became more scared and called hospital security to investigate - but again, after a more extensive search, nothing abnormal was found.
Confused by the screams, the nurses tried to forget the incident and get back to work.

No further screams were heard that night, and the night shift went on uneventful. At the end of the shift, 7am in the morning, two nurses got their coats and bags, and headed off down the corridor.

And all of a sudden, the screams were heard again, the exact same screams they had heard twice that night before. They ran to the lifts, as they heard the lifts crash and plummet to the ground as the cable snapped - the two nurses were inside the lift, plunging to their death.

The screams earlier on that night they had heard, were their very own screams - in anticipation for the fate that awaited them in the morning.

Spooky huh?