Janitor's Tea Party

I recieved a random invitation in my pigeon hole the other day. Quite bizarre infact. It was a beautiful silver envelope, with gold engravings, my name neatly sketched on the front.

I never get any mail in my pigeon hole asides from random notices on parking fees and audit meetings, so it was a pleasant suprise to recieve something so shiny. I opened the envelope quite excitedly and inside I pulled out a strong white card with a teddybear on front. Inside there was invitation for a tea party, at 5pm the following day - in the janitors closet??!?!

I was so confused? Who had invited me to this tea party? And why? I did not even know the janitor and how could there possibly be a tea party in the closet? The more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became.

So the following day, I promptly turned off my bleep at the end of the shift, and walked down to the closet. It was a dark little door, past the mail room, past the store room, past the technicians rooms - indeed it was the last door of a very dark and dusty corridor.

I hesitantly knocked on the door and waited, card in my hand. The door promptly opened, and the familiar face of the janitor popped his head through. He looked at me confused, and I stuttered. Eventually he saw the invitation and smiled, beckoned me in.

I entered the room and was astounded at what I saw. Despite only being a 5 foot by 5 foot closet, the room was stunning. Plastered on the walls was a peachy pink wallpaper with a delicate flower motif. A mini chandalier hung from the top, with candle shaped light bulbs shining brightly.

In the middle of the room, lay a fine oak table with four little wooden chairs on each side. Sitting in each chair was a different teddy bear, varying in colour, shape and size. And on the table, lay the finest tea set I have ever seen - a magnificent white and gold tea pot with matching tea cups.

I gasped - "where dya get all this stuff?" I stammered again - "Where the teddy bears come from?" - "Paediatrics" was the reply

"And the tea set?" - "The managers dining room"

"The cutlery?" - "Canteen"

And as I looked into the far corner of the room, I shouted "Hey, and where did you get all those stethoscopes!!!"

I rushed out of the room, looking frantically for the on call psychiatrist.

The Stethoscope Bandits

Argh! I lost my stethoscope again! I must lose it every week, without fail! I dont know, I just have the tendency to leave it lying around - at the bedside, at the nurses station, in the doctors mess. Am I losing them? Or is there a stethoscope bandit?

I dont think I am the only one with this problem. I see many stethoscopeless doctors - we lower our guard, and our precious sidekick is gone! It just takes a second, a momentary lapse of concentration!

We just forget all about the swinging friend around our neck - put it down without thinking, catheterise a patient (for example), get an urgent bleep, and then our good old faithful tubes are out of our mind - and never to be seen again! Gone forever!

Not to worry, somehow I have the impression one doctor's loss is another doctors gain. One missing stethoscope is soon to be one found stethoscope - with a new owner!! It is the circle of life for stethoscopes, they live on, just with a different ear making different diagnoses! A stethoscope bandit has picked yet another victim!

It doesnt matter what you do to protect your stethy! Buy a pink one! Wrap a thousand rubber bands around it! Etch your name into the bell! It doesnt matter - the bandit will have some evil ways of making it his/her own!

You will often hear ringing on the wards or corridors "Hey, is that my stethoscope?" - and in reply "Naa, I have had this for ages!" and a look of utter disgust in your direction - for which there is no answer!

So I am stethoscope-less. Not to worry, I am on the prowl for a second hand one! I will be lurking, in the theatre changing rooms, scouring the cubicles, or ready to pounce in the Drs mess. I have donned my uniform, I will join the ranks of the stethoscope bandit! Beware!!

Im no sho superman

Here I am, frantically pushing the notes trolley around the wards - finishing a post-take ward round, on my own.

30 patients admitted over night, a few critically ill, a few with nothing wrong and the rest with non-specific symptoms for which I dont have the time to investigate. The registrar is on study leave, my house officer off sick. The consultant has gone to start the out patient clinic early.

I start to sweat, I know the bleeps are coming soon...I wipe my brow, fill out another ultrasound request card, and rush to the next ward. Here I spend 15 minutes trying to find a nurse - only to find them in the nursing office - "having handover (with Quality Streets)". Im told to wait til their finished and scowled at.

I find the ward clerk, access the note trolley, and start again on my own. And then it comes,

BLEEP number 1.
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Out patient nurse: "Hello, out patients"

Me: "Hi, its the Surgical SHO on call, you bleeped?"

Out patient nurse: "Yes Mr Mortimer wants you down here right away, the clinic is over booked and as you know theres no registrar. Mr Mortimer has to leave by 12, he has a private theatre list"

Me: "Ok ill be there as soon as I can"

Out patient nurse: "Ill tell him you'll be down in ten minutes" - puts phone down.

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Ok, so I need to rush, back to the notes trolley. The next patient, is spiking a temperature, 2 days post op.

Me: "How you feeling today Mr. Jones?"

Patient: "I feel awful doctor, I have had severe pain in my tummy all last night".

Me: "Have you had any pain killers?"

Patient: "I asked the nurses, they said theyre busy"

Me: "Ok sir, ill get some organised for you (as palpating his rigid abdomen and diagnosing a probable anastamotic leak)".

Then I head off to find a nurse again, only for

BLEEP 2
--------

Me: "Hi, you bleeped"

AE SHO: "Hi mate, one of AE docs here, I have a 69 gentleman with some abdominal pain. He is slightly tachy and hypotensive, and I think I can feel a pulsatile mass. Im not sure whats going on, can you come take a look".

Me: "Kinda busy here, it sounds like it might be an AAA, is the patient round in RESUS"

AE SHO: "No, my reg said to refer it to you guys and you'll sort it out" - puts down phone.



As soon as that call went,

BLEEP 3
--------

Theatre staff: "Theatres"

Me: "SHO on call"

Theatre staff: "Mr Green needs you in theatre. He is performing an APER and needs another pair of hands to hold the retractor"

Me: "Im meant to be in clinic with mr Mortimer, can anyone else scrub in"

Theatre staff: "Mr Green says theatre takes priority, he expects you to be here".

I start to scratch my head, wishing I too had called off sick, as the next bleep flooded in:

BLEEP 4
---------


Me: "Yup"

House officer: "Hi its Trisha, the house officer on call, Im really sorry, I cant get a venflon in"

Me: "Dont worry, how many have you tried?"

House officer: "Just once, but confidence is so low now, and the patient is shouting at me".

Me: "Its cool, ill teach you a good technique later, whats the venflon for?"

House officer: "Oh, I think the patients bleeding, and their blood pressure is low"

Me: "OK, is there any other senior on the ward to see to the patient"

House officer: "Yes, but they said they were busy. I asked the anaesthatist who was doing a pre-op assessment on another patient to scannulate the patient but because im jsut a house officer, he said I need to speak to you first".

Me: "Ok, whats the patient's name"

House officer: "K Bryant, in bay 3, bed 4"


And yet another bleep:

BLEEP 5
--------

Nurse on other ward: "Ward 25"

Me: "Yup"

Nurse: "You didnt prescribe the loperamide we wanted for Mrs Turnbull"

Me: "She doesnt need loperamide"

Nurse: "I think she does otherwise she will need to be changed too often"

Me: "Nope, no loperamide"

Nurse: "Well who is going to do the TTO's for the patients you discharged, the bed manager wants the bed by 11am"

Me: "Tell the BED MANAGER to the damn TTO!" - as I slam the phone down and collapse to the ground!