resident evil nurses

The hospital at night can be a sinister place. There is often the foul stench of evil in the air. A brave doctor, working hard for his patients, is frequently attacked by Zombie nurses!

Now we all know, nurses can only be placed into two categories: Good OR Evil! The good nurse, angelic in looks, helpful, supportive and hard working! These nurses are rare, and often new to the hospital. It is strange but nearly all good nurses suddenly become evil nurses over night, and never return to their former selves. That sweet angel becomes dark and corrupt. I am not sure what happens, but some satanic force takes over.

The evil zombie nurse can turn you into stone with one look. With a click of her finger, your hospital world will turn into a blazing inferno and you will be in the depths of hospital hell. You will spend the entire night fighting to survive their onslaught.

There is usually one head evil nurse per ward, who controls her minions and followers. She has a magical power that attracts evil to her, and I believe she has the ability to turn good nurses into zombies. I have seen her shadowing good nurses, chanting spells and mantras, and I am sure she traps them on their own, and converts them with a bite to the neck. She is most effective as the clock strikes midnight.

Once a ward becomes full of Zombie nurses, they lurch around patients, groaning and making incomprehensible sounds. They drag their feet in a wicked limp and have arms stretched out ready to attack. They feast on patients wounds, grabbing and poking them, sucking out all the exudate from every granulatng wound, infecting the masses. It gives them energy, it is their life source.

Once a doctor is on the ward, they will all descend together. One or two will block the exit routes, and the others clamber forward, lurching, jerking and moaning. They will be waving blood stained papers and be carrying bowls full of vomitus and stools. If they manage to reach the doctor, they pin him/her down, and suck every last bit of energy they have. The doctor is left lifeless, cowering in the corner and crumbling for his/her life by the end of the ordeal.

I have developed a new tactic, which is to always carry a deterrant. No, garlic does not work, nor does a cross, and not even a steak through the heart (I was tempted to try it once!). The anwer, my fellow doctors and students, is chocolate.Carry an abundance, and when they come lurching forward, throw some out in the opposite direction. They will be distracted and go for the chocolates without thinking and then my friends, DASH OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN!

the doctor's sanctuary

Dear readers, I think I am in the clear for now. Many thanks for all your emails concerned about my safety, I really appreciate it. Your support really helped me whilst I was getting the secret service of radiologists of my scent. I had to lie low for a while, I have been hiding mainly in the doctor's mess.

For those of you who don't know what the doctor's mess, it is like a little sanctuary for doctors, where there is peace and harmony. It is a different dimension within the hospital, a portal into a happier place, a portal to our childhood. Here we are untouched and protected, from a higher being. This is where our bleeps are ignored, and food is served, mashed up and easy to swallow.

Many doctors play like they were children. They babble, gaggle, goo goo and ga ga. There is a vending machine for dummies (pacifiers) and we can suck on these to our hearts content. There is a changing room where we can change our diapers, after a hard days work crapping ourselves infront of ill patients.

Here is a diaper of one of our junior doctors on their first day at work:



My favourite part of the mess is the sand pit. Here we dive in and play in sand, build sand castles with our buckets and space. Every good doctors mess should have a sand pit, and if you know one that doesn't, I would write to your union and demand your rights.



The doctors mess is simple and stress free. It is like a little heaven within the hospital, I will be hiding out here for a little while longer, hopefully by then the radiologists will have stopped hunting for me. Wish me luck and keep those emails coming!!

radiologists in black

Ok folks, after that surgical bombshell, I am going to unleash another shocking explosion, this time something far more sinister, far more dangerous. I am putting my reputation on the line here but this is a government secret that needs to be exposed. I have spent a few weeks investigating it, and after I release this info, I may need to go into hiding. Here goes...

Radiologists are working for the secret services. If you think about it logically, it soon becomes clear. They have an in depth knowldge of machines, powerful machines, that no one else understands. They play with radiation, firing it at will, in all directions, yet they never seem to be harmed.

They hide in deep, dark corners of the hospital, lurking with intent. They move silently and swiftly, avoiding all eye contact at all cost. They are lonely creatures with much to hide. Any junior doctor who confronts them with any request is often ignored or stunned into submission. The poor doctor's request is destroyed with no evidence of its existence, one flash, and everything is forgotten. It is merciless.

They are almost always dressed in black, head to toe, beautifully camouflaged in their dark surroundings. They speak in code, babbling into a dictaphone in a langage noone else can understand. Indeed I have even witnessed some wearing shades in front of their lightbox, as if they are gazing through into another dimension.

One receptionist the other day handed me a note saying she was very scared. She witnessed one leave the hospital in an unidentified flying object...she has been missing from work for a few days now...

These radiologists are dangerous, something is not right, be wary students, be wary. I will be investigating these strange creatures further... wish me luck.